Bobcat |
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(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA HIT) BOBCATGOLDTHWAIT:Yes! Hello, if you are watching us on other planets, I want you to know that... on Earth, I am the leader, I rule! Everyone on Earth must follow me! Ha ha ha ha! (ASIDE) Don't tell them the truth, okay, Space Ghost? (OPENING THEME MUSIC & TITLES) SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. Joining me tonight, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, and rock and roll citizens The Ramones. ZORAK:(JAMMING) Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go! SPACE GHOST:Zorak is all geeked up about the Ramones being here. (ZORAK KEEPS JAMMING) That's good, Zorak. (KEEPS JAMMING) That's enough Zorak. (KEEPS JAMMING) Zorak! (JAMMING WINDS DOWN & STOPS) My first guest... (ONE MORE NOTE INTERRUPTS SPACE GHOST) ... (TAPS CARDS) My first guest is a comedian. He is Bobcat Goldthwait, welcome him! (INTRO MUSIC PLAYS & SCREEN LOWERS; ZORAK'S FACE IS ON THE SCREEN INSTEAD OF BOBCAT) ZORAK:(IMITATING BOBCAT) Uh, hi, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST:Aaah! ZORAK:(BACK TO NORMAL VOICE) Your show is lame. SPACE GHOST:Are you done, Zorak? ZORAK:I'm Bobcat, interview me. SPACE GHOST:You're not fooling anyone, Zorak, we know it's you. ZORAK:Is this how you treat your guests? SPACE GHOST:Moltar! ZORAK:Wait! (MOLTAR WATCHES ZORAK ON MONITOR WITH THE FOLLOWING CAPTION, IN MIRROR IMAGE WRITING: Inseca Genii Helicoptera 2:3.9 Phyl Disgustis 7 Locusta Icky 3.5 Creepy Cra{?} Weedhopps Slimi Green {?} Surplus {?} LOCUST LINK) MOLTAR:Sorry, man, boss's orders. (THROWS LEVER) ZORAK: No! (ZAPS OFF SCREEN; NEW IMAGE IS INFINITE REGRESSION OF SPACE GHOST'S SET) SPACE GHOST:Hey, it's me, watching me, watching me, watching me! MOLTAR: Simpleton! SPACE GHOST: Are you lookin' at me? You must be lookin' at me. There's no one else here... (SHOOTS AT SCREEN TWICE WITH POWER BANDS) (LAUGHS) Alrighty! MOLTAR: Gawd, loser! (THROWS SWITCH AGAIN, BOBCAT APPEARS) SPACE GHOST:Hello, Bobcat, welcome to the show. GOLDTHWAIT:Hi, Space Ghost, how are you today? SPACE GHOST:I'm energized, just like a jittering woodchuck. You know, when they cling to the side of a tree, and their jaws move up and down and up and down over and over really fast gaining speed until its just a blur of vibrating gums and lips (MOUTH BECOMES A BLUR) ... Energized! (MORE SUBDUED) And, how are you, Bobcat? GOLDTHWAIT: I'm livin' a dream, thanks a lot for having me back on the show. SPACE GHOST:We're certainly glad to have you back on the show. GOLDTHWAIT:Although I've never been on the show before, you ... SPACE GHOST: Of course you haven't. GOLDTHWAIT:You look pretty good. SPACE GHOST:That's because I've been lifting heavy objects. GOLDTHWAIT: Really? Yeah, well, it shows, you look pretty cut, you look pretty buff. SPACE GHOST: Well, aren't you sweet? I like you, Bobcat. GOLDTHWAIT:I like you, Space Ghost. I got a question; what's, what's your real name? SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) Uhmmm... ZORAK:Tad Ghostal. SPACE GHOST:(GLARES AT ZORAK) GOLDTHWAIT:Tad Ghostal? Really? Stick with Space Ghost, much cooler. SPACE GHOST: (FACE GETS RED) Er, I agree. GOLDTHWAIT:Wouldn't really work on the babes too much in a bar... SPACE GHOST:I, I agree... GOLDTHWAIT: "Hi, I'm Tad"? SPACE GHOST:I realize that! (PAUSE) Zorak's real name is Katy Did. ZORAK:(LOOKING SURPRISED) What? GOLDTHWAIT: (LAUGHS) Hi Zorak, how ya doin', pleasure to be on the show. ZORAK:Oh no, the pleasure is all mine! (THINKS: PATHETIC EARTHLING! YOUR FEEBLE WORDS DO NOT AMUSE ME!) GOLDTHWAIT:Zorak? Do you eat your young? ZORAK: (LOOKS SURPRISED) Uh, um... SPACE GHOST: Zorak eats anything, young, old, and then some! (BOBCAT MAKES "ZORAK" FACES WHILE SPACE GHOST TALKS) Say, Bobcat is a good name! Tell us, what's your secret identity? GOLDTHWAIT:My secret identity? Like, if you saw me in real life? SPACE GHOST:Uh... ZORAK:Yeah, like if he saw you in real life. GOLDTHWAIT: Uhhhhh... I.. Joey Lawrence. SPACE GHOST: Get out! I've got your album! GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, girl, you know it's true. SPACE GHOST: I hear Blossom hates you. GOLDTHWAIT:Tad! SPACE GHOST:Well? GOLDTHWAIT: See, it's an issue right now, and I feel strongly about it. SPACE GHOST:You don't look very strong. GOLDTHWAIT: Well, I may look small, but I'm pretty wiry. SPACE GHOST:Sorry. GOLDTHWAIT:Space Ghost, I've got a question for you, and this isn't, I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but... do you think I'm pretty? SPACE GHOST: (LOOKS BACK BLANKLY) GOLDTHWAIT: Just like another guy to a guy? SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) Ummm... Yes! I think you're a pretty man. GOLDTHWAIT: Thank you. I think you're kind of handsome too, Space Ghost. Although the locust, hmmm, I dunno. ZORAK: (GLARES AT HIM, "PSYCHO" MUSIC PLAYS) SPACE GHOST: Hmmmm, I see what you mean... But on a serious note, Bobcat, how would you stop crime in America? GOLDTHWAIT: I think you wanna stop crime in America, you say a very special episode of "Blossom" where the entire cast gets ball peen hammers in the knee caps... SPACE GHOST:Ooooh... GOLDTHWAIT: I promise you there'll be a half-hour of non-violent America. Because everybody'd be glued to the set. 'Hey, they hit Joey Lawrence in the knee cap yet?' SPACE GHOST: You think that could work? GOLDTHWAIT: Well, no, not really. Perhaps I, I need to loosen my pants. SPACE GHOST: Go ahead! GOLDTHWAIT: (LOOSENS PANTS, SOUND OF PRESSURE ESCAPING) Oooo! Man, I feel better already! Wooo! SPACE GHOST:You should try spandex! GOLDTHWAIT:Yeah, you know, I'm actually one of the only super heroes that wears leisure suits. SPACE GHOST: Speaking of heroes, who are yours? GOLDTHWAIT: Wow! Um, geez, I dunno, I like all the greats, you know, Curly. I think that's what my coif actually looks like, what if Rutger Hauer and Curly Howard pounded out a baby... 'Hey, Moe, I'm a replicant! Ne ne ne ne ne!' (MAKES STOOGE HAND & FACE GESTURE) SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) (THINKS: REPLICANTS WERE THE EVIL CREATION OF DR. ZIN) (ALOUD) Ahem, let's see, where am I? (MUMBLES) Oh! Who is your arch enemy? GOLDTHWAIT: John Tesh. SPACE GHOST:The composer? GOLDTHWAIT: The whole man. John Tesh scares me. SPACE GHOST: Say, do you need any weapons? GOLDTHWAIT:Yeah, what size power band are you? SPACE GHOST: Colossal! Why? GOLDTHWAIT: Because I have a, I'm usually like a, a small power band, believe it or not, but I've been retaining a lot of fluids lately, so, probably like a medium power band. SPACE GHOST:How about a nice pleated skirt? GOLDTHWAIT: Boy, Space Ghost, you're really switching gears! SPACE GHOST: Hey, it's a 15 minute show! And, we have to take a break. GOLDTHWAIT: What's the locust's name again, I'm sorry? SPACE GHOST:Zorak. GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, yeah. SPACE GHOST: Zorak. I like saying 'Zorak.' GOLDTHWAIT: Zorak, play me something public domain. ZORAK: (PLAYS SOMETHING FROM THEIR VAST EASY LISTENING LIBRARY) SPACE GHOST:We'll be right back after this. ZORAK:It appears we will be right back. (:INTERRUPT FEED - COMMERCIAL BREAK) (:START FEED - BACK FROM BREAK) ZORAK:Uh, because no one can stop it, the show is back. (THEME MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) GOLDTHWAIT:Barney's going to make more kids snap than Bugs Bunny. SPACE GHOST: Uh huh. GOLDTHWAIT: A kid knows Bugs Bunny's joking around, kids think Barney's for real! SPACE GHOST: Uh huh. GOLDTHWAIT:'I love you.' You don't love us, Barney. You don't even know us! SPACE GHOST: Okay! We're back with Bobcat Goldthwait! I understand that you have special powers. GOLDTHWAIT: Yes. I'm able to, uh, bend forks. SPACE GHOST: Wow! GOLDTHWAIT: But only at Denny's. Any other kind of forks I don't seem to be able to bend. SPACE GHOST: Wow, now, is this physically or mentally? GOLDTHWAIT:Um, I do it with my mind... but you gotta look away, really, for a little while. SPACE GHOST: When I said you were pretty, I meant, you remind me of Judy Collins. GOLDTHWAIT: Judy Collins? (LAUGHS) Wow, Space Ghost, man, crack a window, will ya? SPACE GHOST: I'd be violently sucked into space. MOLTAR: Heh, then maybe people would tune in. GOLDTHWAIT:Well, I think Moltar's giving us the signal to wrap it up, huh, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: No, Bobcat, that's just his way of telling us to finish the interview. Join us for dinner after the show? GOLDTHWAIT:Thanks, I'd love to join you for dinner, but I don't know about eating with no gigantic locust. Don't they spit on their food first and then mulch it up and spit it back out? ZORAK: That's regurgitational ingestion. Flies do it, not locusts. GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, well that, but you know, that's exactly how I eat, so, perhaps I will dine with you. SPACE GHOST:Alrighty! We'll meet you in the chamber after the show. Any parting words? GOLDTHWAIT:Space Ghost, I want to party with you. SPACE GHOST:You mean with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats? GOLDTHWAIT: Perhaps, perhaps. SPACE GHOST: Alrighty then! My next guests are Zorak's favorite band. Please welcome the Ramones! GOLDTHWAIT:Thanks, man. (RAMONES APPEAR ON SCREEN) ZORAK: Hey, Joey. JOEY RAMONE:(WAVES) SPACE GHOST: Okay then. Identify yourselves, Ramones. JOHNNY RAMONE: Hi, I'm Johnny Ramone. MARKY RAMONE: And I'm Marky Ramone. JOEY RAMONE: And I'm Joey. C.J.:And I'm C.J. ZORAK: And I'm Zorak Ramone. MOLTAR:And I'm Moltar Ramone. SPACE GHOST: (TO CAMERA) They're not really Ramones. (TO RAMONES) Say, fellas, tell us about your new record. JOHNNY RAMONE:"Acid Eaters", that's our latest album, it's a cover album of, uh, songs that were recorded in, um, generally around the 1967-68 period of time. SPACE GHOST: And it's just now coming out? RAMONES: (ALL LAUGH) SPACE GHOST: Say, guys, on your third album, "Rocket Fuel", (STARTS GIBBERING) whoops, too many Cokes. RAMONES: (ALL LAUGH) SPACE GHOST:Ah ha haa! Hey! Tell me about your music. C.J.:It's snappy. JOHNNY RAMONE:It's always meant for rebellious kids. SPACE GHOST:Rebellious? JOHNNY RAMONE:Uhhh, we're a bunch of punks. SPACE GHOST: Hmmm... Well, you just listen to me, you punks, I don't want any trouble from you. This is a good show. This is a clean show. This is a good clean show. C.J.:You ever get a wedgie in tights? It's not pleasant. (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Uhhh... GOLDTHWAIT: (ON CONTROL ROOM MONITOR, WITH LOCUST TEXT FROM BEFORE, TO MOLTAR) This is going as well as the Letterman-Madonna interview. MOLTAR:Yup. SPACE GHOST: Allll right then, you punks, you're musicians, make something up for me. MARKY RAMONE:Well, how about: "way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way." SPACE GHOST: "Way way way"; that's catchy! JOEY RAMONE: It was subliminal. MARKY RAMONE: That was, that was the instrumental part. SPACE GHOST: Ah!. Uh, do the word part. MARKY RAMONE: How about: "Space Ghost, Space Ghost, you're the most, from coast to coast..." SPACE GHOST:Listen, we have to go. Bobcat invited me to a party, with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats, and you can't come because you're punks and punks don't go to parties. Hey, you guys got a cake! MARKY RAMONE: It's a nice chocolate vanilla. JOHNNY RAMONE:There's plates right there... SPACE GHOST: Hey! Where'd you guys get that cake? (ALL RAMONES ARE "WEARING" PAPER HATS) MARKY RAMONE: You want a piece of this? C.J: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: That's my party cake! Where did you guys get my party cake? Who gave them my party cake? I want my party cake! That was specifically definitely for Bobcat and me! Zorak! Did you give them my party cake? ZORAK: (WITH PAPER HAT ON & CRUMBS FALLING OUT OF MOUTH) Uh, what party cake? MOLTAR: (WITH PAPER HAT & CAKE) Mmmm, chocolate party cake. |