Chips |
|
|
(OPENING ROLLS WITH "CHIPS" THEME MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) MOLTAR:(WATCHING OPENING ON CONTROL ROOM MONITOR; LAUGHS, THROWS LEVER. SPACE GHOST INVISOS IN ON SET) SPACE GHOST: Hi, I am Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. (WAVES) (FONTED AS: SPACE GHOST PONCHERELLO) ZORAK: (PLAYING KEYBOARD) (FONTED AS: ZORAK PONCHERELLO) MOLTAR: (MUMBLING) yeah, Space Ghost... (THROWS LEVER, MONITOR SWITCHES TO "CHIPS") Cool... "ChiPs". SPACE GHOST: Joining me tonight... author Bill Carter, originator of the talk show, Joe Franklin, AND, talk show legend, Johnny Carson! Please say hello to the band, Zorak and the... (LOOKS OVER AT ZORAK, WHO IS HANGING FROM THE STUDIO CEILING, UPSIDE DOWN...) Zorak! ZORAK: What! SPACE GHOST: Get down from there! ZORAK: From where? SPACE GHOST: From the ceiling! ZORAK: No. SPACE GHOST: (TALKING BETWEEN CLENCHED TEETH) Zorak, you get down from that ceiling and play me to the desk! ZORAK: No. (SPACE GHOST RAISES HIS ARMBAND TO SHOOT) ZORAK: Ahh, this isn't fun anymore... (COMES BACK DOWN, WAY OUTS START TO PLAY) SPACE GHOST: Baby. (ASIDE) Why couldn't I be scraping him off my windshield? (ALOUD) Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first, no, pfft - Alrighty! My first guest chronicled the first known battle for the night, please welcome Bill Carter! (WAY OUTS PLAY, MONITOR LOWERS WITH BILL CARTER) BILL CARTER: Okay, let's go. SPACE GHOST: Welcome Citizen Bill, how are you? CARTER: Oh, very good, how are you? SPACE GHOST: Uh huh! CARTER: (PAUSE) Right. SPACE GHOST: And the name of your book is... CARTER: "The Late Shift." SPACE GHOST: Give us the name in its entirety! CARTER: (LAUGHS) "The Late Shift: Letterman, Leno and the Network Battle for the Night". See, I've got it memorized. SPACE GHOST: I see. Bill, I'm part of the late night talk show war, why wasn't I included in your book? CARTER: (HIS HEAD CHANGES TO GILLIGAN, THEN MORPHS BACK TO BILL) You hadn't gotten your show yet. SPACE GHOST: (SINGS A DITTY) CARTER: But, you know, maybe when we get to the paperback you'll be a hit. ZORAK: (EVIL LAUGH) Good one, Bill! (LAUGHS) CARTER: That, that was a good one! (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Bill, in your book you reference 11... (WAITS UNTIL BILL AND ZORAK STOP LAUGHING) I said, you reference 11:30. What type of weapon is that, and why is it so desirable? CARTER: It's, uh, it's a very, uh, profit-making weapon, it makes a lot of money for anyone who owns it. SPACE GHOST: I see. (LONG PAUSE) You know, I don't remember Letterman or Leno as super-heroes, but I do remember Conan! CARTER: Yeah, he was a, he was a very powerful super hero himself... SPACE GHOST: He had wit and muscle. CARTER: ... unfortunately that hasn't translated quite as well to television. SPACE GHOST: His chest size does look diminished. CARTER: Mmm hm. SPACE GHOST: You know, Bill, I could lift the Empire State Building if I wanted! CARTER: That is a feat, now if you put that on television you're gonna get ratings. SPACE GHOST: I wish I had a dollar for every time people have told me that. When do you wish for a $1? CARTER: I wish I had a $1 for every time I've been asked 'why is late night important?' SPACE GHOST: So, if you've been asked that say twelve times, then you'd have uh... CARTER: I don't know... SPACE GHOST: Let's see....that's $1 at twelve times... about $93! CARTER: Yeah... SPACE GHOST: That's a lotta dough. CARTER: Yeah, that gives you a lot of power. SPACE GHOST: Speaking of power, Johnny Carson's here tonight... (QUIETLY) You don't think he wants my show, do you? CARTER: He, uh, I think he's enjoying his retirement. SPACE GHOST: Oh yeah, yeah, me too. Say Bill, how do you like my show so far? CARTER: Uh, I think probably Jay gives a better monologue. SPACE GHOST: What's a monologue? CARTER: It's uh... ZORAK: (CUTTING IN) It's uh, the part of the show where the host sets you free... SPACE GHOST: Are you sure, Zorak? ZORAK: (WEARING A BLACK WIG) Would I lie to you, sugar? SPACE GHOST: Of course you would. Hey Bill, look at Zorak. Have you ever seen evil so personified as you do in his skeletal shell? CARTER: That's his strength. SPACE GHOST: I could break his stick body in half if I wanted to. (ASIDE, TO CAMERA) And I want to... CARTER: ... it looks, looks sort of bony. SPACE GHOST: Locusts have hollow bones. CARTER: Well, there was a point in time when there was some question about him being on television because an executive said his face scared small children... SPACE GHOST: No kidding. Before you go Bill, do you have any words of wisdom to tell us? CARTER: I'm not a small child. SPACE GHOST: There you have it! He's not a small child. Thanks for being with us, Bill! CARTER: Thanks, I hope that was what you wanted... SPACE GHOST: My next guest is recently retired from... ZORAK: (WEARING A RED WIG) Space Ghost, Bill is still here. SPACE GHOST: Zorak! What's that thing on your head!? ZORAK: It's my wig! SPACE GHOST: Well, take it off! CARTER: Where's the funny part come in? SPACE GHOST: Need a coin for the bus Bill? CARTER: I'm gonna be taking a subway. (LAUGHS) (MOLTAR IS WATCHING "CHIPS" IN CONTROL ROOM ON MONITOR, WHILE FOLLOWING IS WRITTEN ACROSS SCREEN: ) GALAXY 5 125 W: TRANSPONDER 17 AUDIO 6:2/68 FULLY 12:45:34 SYNC AMPLITUDE 15 IPS ECRYPTED 294 (A HEARSE BARRELS DOWN THE ROAD, TURNS A SHARP CORNER AND THE CASKET FALLS OUT THE BACK ONTO THE ROAD, AND A WOMAN SCREAMS) MOLTAR: (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: My next guest has recently retired from the late night battle... please welcome Joe Franklin! (WAY OUTS PLAY, JOE FRANKLIN APPEARS ON THE MONITOR) JOE FRANKLIN:Is this the rehearsal, or we taping? SPACE GHOST: Citizen Joe, we're thrilled to have you on! FRANKLIN: Pleasure! SPACE GHOST: Planet. FRANKLIN: Gooey. SPACE GHOST: Deer Tick. FRANKLIN: Who knows. SPACE GHOST: Tell us what's in your pocket. FRANKLIN: I've got my, uh, oxygen pen... SPACE GHOST: Yeah, whatever. So when were you born? FRANKLIN: I was born at a very early age. SPACE GHOST: You've written millions of books and you were television's first talk show host. How did it all begin? FRANKLIN: When I was born, something horrible happened; I lived. SPACE GHOST: Awwww! FRANKLIN: And then what I did was decide to become a talk show host. I was 17, I figured I would try it for about 6 months, and, uh, that was 43 and a half years ago. SPACE GHOST: Forty-three years in the business, you must have talked to a lot of people. FRANKLIN: Well, for the sake of accuracy, over 300,000. SPACE GHOST: What advice can you give me? FRANKLIN: The, uh, main function is to get the plug out of the way first. SPACE GHOST: You wanna plug something, don't you Joe? FRANKLIN: (NODDING) Yeah, I think so. SPACE GHOST: Go ahead. FRANKLIN: I'm uh, doing a lot of radio, I'm on WOR all night, I'm doing the "Memory Lane" show, I'm on a very popular news station called WBBR... SPACE GHOST: We have to do a commercial, Joe. (WAY OUTS START TO PLAY) FRANKLIN: ... Bloomberg radio, I do nostalgic news all day along and... SPACE GHOST: We have to do a commercial, Joe! FRANKLIN: ... I'm their movie critic and drama critic, and uh, I've got a publicly... ZORAK: We will be right back. (:INTERRUPT FEED - COMMERCIAL BREAK) (:START FEED - BACK FROM BREAK) MOLTAR: We now return to, hmmm, whatever. FRANKLIN: (STILL PLUGGING) my new book's now in its third printing, because the first two printings were booked, and I am doing... (KEEPS TALKING IN BACKGROUND) SPACE GHOST: Alrighty! Hey Zorak, is that a new wig? ZORAK: (WEARING A GOLD WIG) What wig? SPACE GHOST: That wig! MOLTAR: (WATCHING A "CHIPS" VAN CRASH) BEEP! BEEP! KEN THE SATELLITE GUY:(ON SCREEN) It's, it's Ken, the satellite guy. I've got Johnny Carson standing by on Star Feed... 14. MOLTAR: (ANNOYED BY INTERRUPTION) Thanks. (SWITCHES BACK TO "CHIPS"; A MAN IS IN AN OVERTURNED VAN, SURROUNDED BY SNAKES, SCREAMING "HELP ME, GET ME OUT PLEASE!") MOLTAR: (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Tell us, Joe... ZORAK: Did you have a band? FRANKLIN: Well, I had a band once, it was a band of two people, a drummer... ZORAK: (TO SPACE GHOST) Baby. FRANKLIN: ... and a pianist. And the trouble was that the pianist kept running into the control room to always hear how the band sounded. ZORAK: Indeed. FRANKLIN: You know, Barbra Streisand was my singer. ZORAK: Oh, that sounds like fun. SPACE GHOST: Joe, who was your favorite guest ever? FRANKLIN: I would say Bing Crosby. SPACE GHOST: Wasn't he an android? FRANKLIN: I always thought of Bing being, you know, what you would say, mechanically reproduced. I always thought of Bing Crosby... SPACE GHOST: Joe, you're Mr. Talk Show, you started all of this... cough up some tips. FRANKLIN: Number one, main ingredient as I've said before is sincerity... SPACE GHOST: Mmmm hmmm. FRANKLIN: ... and once you learn to fake that... then you've got it made. SPACE GHOST: (DRIPPING WITH FAKE SINCERITY) Thank you Joe, for what is without a doubt our best interview yet. FRANKLIN: Boy, you're a great host, you're a great interviewer, you really are a fantastic... SPACE GHOST: Look Joe, we have to run... any final thoughts? FRANKLIN: It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice. SPACE GHOST: No, I mean something that we can use. FRANKLIN: On that promissory note... (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Joe Franklin, he's a, uh, what are you, Joe? FRANKLIN: TV Legend. SPACE GHOST: TV Legend. Speaking of legends, it's my great honor to say, Heeeeeere's Johnny! (DRUM ROLL; A MULTITUDE OF THINGS FLASH BY ON THE STUDIO MONITOR, INCLUDING A PLACARD READING "THE WILD WILD PLANET") MOLTAR: (WATCHING ANOTHER "CHIPS" SCENE, A WOMAN RUNNING DOWN A ROAD, SCREAMING FOR HELP) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Get to the wreck! SPACE GHOST: (CLEARS THROAT; TITLE SCREEN FROM "MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E" FLASHES BY ON THE STUDIO MONITOR) Heeeeeere's Johnny! MOLTAR: C'mon wreck! Wreck! WRECK! SPACE GHOST: I said, HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY! (A SHOT OF SOMEONE IN BUNNY SLIPPERS AND SEVERAL PEOPLE IN WHITE HELMETS FLASH BY ON STUDIO MONITOR) MOLTAR: Where's the feed? (SWITCHES TO BANANA SPLITS SOCK PUPPET - "BOW, BOW BOW, BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW BOW!") No! (SWITCHING MORE - THE DILLY GIRLS SING, THE SOCK PUPPET SINGS, ROSEBUD, GONE WITH THE WIND, 2001, FORBIDDEN PLANET, NO JOHNNY) Where's the feed? Where's the feed?! SPACE GHOST: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny! MOLTAR: (SWITCHING FURIOUSLY) Johnny? Johnny? (LAST SWITCH, RANDY FLOATS IN SPACE, MOLTAR IS FRUSTRATED) Whatever. (SENDS RANDY THROUGH TO SPACE GHOST) (RANDY IS ON THE MONITOR. ONLY THE AMBIANCE OF DEEP SPACE AND RANDY WIGGLING HIS DEADLY PINCHERS) SPACE GHOST: (STARING AT SCREEN) Greetings Johnny! Boy, it's a gr... You have pinchers! RANDY: Yes. SPACE GHOST: So, how's Ed and Doc? RANDY: Fine, fine, fine... SPACE GHOST: (DOUBTFULLY) Noooo kidding. (LOOKS AT RANDY) You're not Johnny Carson, are you? RANDY: Yes. SPACE GHOST: Really? RANDY: Uh, no. SPACE GHOST: Okay. |