Gum Disease

(:START FEED) MOLTAR: (SNEEZES) ZORAK: Sixteen. MOLTAR: (SNEEZES) ZORAK: Seventeen. MOLTAR: My nose is stopped up. ZORAK: Yeah SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Inviso in... (INVISOS OUT) Inviso out... (INVISOS IN) Inviso in... There, seems okay now. MOLTAR: (SNEEZES, ENTIRE STUDIO SHAKES) SPACE GHOST: Crimony! What's the ruckus, Zorak? ZORAK: What ruckus? (MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN, STUDIO SHAKES) SPACE GHOST: That ruckus. ZORAK: Oh. Moltar's sick. (MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN) SPACE GHOST: Bless you, Moltar. (OPENING THEME MUSIC & TITLES; PART-WAY THROUGH, MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN, AND MUSIC & CREDITS START FAST-FORWARDING & REWINDING, AND PLAYING AT VARIOUS SPEEDS. SPACE GHOST INVISOS OUT & IN AGAIN) SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) (ASIDE) That was odd. (ALOUD) Greetings! I am Space Ghost. (SMILES, LIGHT GLINTS OFF HIS TEETH) My guests tonight are recording artist and "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Partridge Family" member Danny Bona-, Bon-, Bonaduckie. ZORAK: Duce! MOLTAR: (SNEEZES) SPACE GHOST: Gesundheit! MOLTAR: (SNORT) Thanks. ZORAK: (PLAYS SPACE GHOST TO HIS DESK) SPACE GHOST: Zorak, that... (FINAL DRUM BEAT) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself. ZORAK: I.. don't know. Don't look at me! SPACE GHOST: I am looking at you. ZORAK: Well, don't. (ZORAK & SPACE GHOST STARE AT EACH OTHER; ZORAK BLINKS) SPACE GHOST: (DING!) Hah! I win, Zorak! ZORAK: Grrrr... SPACE GHOST: Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Zorak, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (MONITOR LOWERS, BUT BOUNCES REPEATEDLY) Moltar! Bad director! MOLTAR: I can't control it. SPACE GHOST: Have to use freeze ray. (FIRES FREEZE RAY AT MONITOR, IT FINALLY STOPS BOUNCING) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (SOMEONE DROPS A MICROPHONE, FEEDBACK ENSUES; MOLTAR COUGHS IN BACKGROUND) (PAUSE) Branford! BRANFORD MARSALIS: Hey, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Hey right back at you, Branford. So how goes the "Tonight Show?" BRANFORD MARSALIS: It's going pretty good, sir. SPACE GHOST: That's terrific. Mazel tov! BRANFORD MARSALIS: Thank you very much, Mr. Ghost. SPACE GHOST: I see you're chewing gum. ZORAK: Gum? MOLTAR: Gum? ZORAK: Gum! SPACE GHOST: Did you bring enough everyone? BRANFORD MARSALIS: No, but I'll have some shortly. ZORAK: No gum? SPACE GHOST: So, do you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Is it fun? Do you enjoy working with Jay Leno? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yes, yes. SPACE GHOST: In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff. BRANFORD MARSALIS: Absolutely, absolutely. SPACE GHOST: So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader? BRANFORD MARSALIS: I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong. SPACE GHOST: (SOUND OF GAVEL FALLING) Guilty! (CROWD MURMURING IN BACKGROUND) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe? BRANFORD MARSALIS: He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: This concerns me. So, what is he like, then? BRANFORD MARSALIS: He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you. SPACE GHOST: Hardly! I keep the universe safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (SMILES, LIGHT GLINTS OFF HIS TEETH AGAIN) BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (GLARE FROM SPACE GHOST'S TEETH STARTS OVERLOADING THE CAMERAS) ZORAK: Space Ghost! Shut your big mouth! MOLTAR: Aaaah! (SCREEN GOES COMPLETELY WHITE, THEN GOES BLACK; THEN, A BLUE SCREEN WITH A PICTURE OF ZORAK AND MOLTAR, AND THE WORDS "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" APPEARS, WITH BACKGROUND MUSIC; A SHORT WHILE LATER, THE REGULAR SCREEN RETURNS) ANNOUNCER: (VOICEOVER) We now join Space Ghost Coast to Coast, already in progress. SPACE GHOST: ... something crawling on the table... (LOOKS UP) Who was that? MOLTAR: (SNIFFLE) Some lady. SPACE GHOST: (QUIETLY) Alrighty. (NORMAL VOICE) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it! ZORAK: Yeah, give us some gum! BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album, it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album. SPACE GHOST: Uh huh. BRANFORD MARSALIS: There's a lot of strange mixes on there... SPACE GHOST: Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning? BRANFORD MARSALIS: No, I don't. SPACE GHOST: A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelette. (GROANS AND GRUMBLING VOICES IN BACKGROUND) MOLTAR: Oh, no, stop, don't! SPACE GHOST: Some milk I left out in the sun for a week... MOLTAR: (SOUNDING NAUSIOUS) BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, come on, don't do that, man! SPACE GHOST: And some fuzzy bread. MOLTAR: I'm gonna be sick! ("HURLING" SOUNDS) SPACE GHOST: Moltar! Damage report! MOLTAR: I just hurled in my helmet! BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, man! ZORAK: Gross. SPACE GHOST: I... think it's time to take a break (SOUND OF A CONTAINER BEING EMPTIED) Moltar! Not in the control room! (:INTERRUPT FEED) (:START FEED) SPACE GHOST: (PLAYING "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" ON MONITOR; EXITS GAME) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford. BRANFORD MARSALIS: Kick it. SPACE GHOST: Branford, I wonder, does Doc Severinson ever show up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started... SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) That Doc! You've gotta love him. BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy. ZORAK: (IN "RAPPER" OUTFIT, WITH "SCRATCH" NOISES) Mrrrrr, stick 'em! SPACE GHOST: (STARES AT ZORAK) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Zorak? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: What's so funny? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Ghost? ZORAK: He was asking you, where's Zorak's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours! BRANFORD MARSALIS: Zorak, never eat anything larger than your head. (TO SPACE GHOST) How's that? SPACE GHOST: Not so good. BRANFORD MARSALIS: (SURPRISED) What do you mean? SPACE GHOST: Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit? ZORAK: I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine chianti. (SUP SUP SUP SUP SUP) Oh, and some gum. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, right, Zorak. You and what army? ZORAK: Ehhh, the Kiss Army. (ARMY VOICES: "YEAAAHHH! DESTROY ROCK CITY!") SPACE GHOST: Er, right, right. (PAUSE) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat? BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies. ZORAK: (AT DESK WITH LASER RIFLE) Make with the scatting (FIRES RIFLE) BRANFORD MARSALIS: A one, a two, a one two three... (SCATS FOR 4 BARS) (TO SPACE GHOST) Go! SPACE GHOST: (SCATS FOR 4 BARS) ZORAK: (SCATS FOR 4 BARS) Take it, Moltar! MOLTAR: (TRIES TO SCAT FOR A COUPLE BARS) Take it, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: (SCATS AGAIN; MOLTAR SNEEZES, AND BRANFORDS IMAGE IS REPLACED BY DANNY BONADUCE'S) MOLTAR: Space Ghost... (SPACE GHOST KEEPS SCATTING) Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: (STOPS) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Partridge kid! MOLTAR: (SNIFFLE) We lost Branford. ZORAK: And the gum? (PAUSE, THEN SCREAMS) SPACE GHOST: Okay, everyone remain calm. DANNY BONADUCE: Hello? ZORAK: (FINISHES SCREAMING) (TO MOLTAR) You idiot! MOLTAR: Sorry. ZORAK: Shut up! DANNY BONADUCE: Hello? SPACE GHOST: Hello, citizen Danny! ZORAK: (IN BACKGROUND) Shut up! MOLTAR: (IN BACKGROUND) Sorry. SPACE GHOST: So, what have you been up to lately? DANNY BONADUCE: Hi, Space Ghost. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have hosts in the world... ZORAK: (TO MOLTAR) What? DANNY BONADUCE: ... and this is an honor for me. SPACE GHOST: Okay. DANNY BONADUCE: Just kidding! Ha! SPACE GHOST: Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me? DANNY BONADUCE: Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny... SPACE GHOST: I'm serious, Partridge. Thank me. DANNY BONADUCE: That makes me nervous. SPACE GHOST: I'm waiting... DANNY BONADUCE: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: Thank you, Space Ghost. DANNY BONADUCE: Thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: That's more like it. So, Danny boy, what super-power helped you battle the child star syndrome? DANNY BONADUCE: I used the power of invisibility. SPACE GHOST: I have that. DANNY BONADUCE: Oh, no kidding! SPACE GHOST: Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims? ZORAK: (TO MOLTAR) Shut up! DANNY BONADUCE: No, because I have met other child star victims, and I've got to say that it's my opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve. ZORAK: Like Jan and Jayce? SPACE GHOST: Who? ZORAK AND MOLTAR: (LAUGH) SPACE GHOST: Danny, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Partridge? DANNY BONADUCE: I've got about eighty bucks and a lunchbox. SPACE GHOST: That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked! DANNY BONADUCE: Shirley Jones, David Cassidy, that's where all the money went. SPACE GHOST: It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood. Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee. ZORAK: [No talent and no personality will get you a talk show] SPACE GHOST: Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite thing about the seventies? DANNY BONADUCE: The beginning of the eighties. ZORAK: (IN "PUNK" OUTFIT) Whip it, whip it good! SPACE GHOST: Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite Partridge Family song? DANNY BONADUCE: I actually have a couple. "Echo Valley 2-6809" was one of my favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool. OLD LADY: (PHONE RINGS, SHE ANSWERS) Hello? Hello? Hello! MOLTAR: (LAUGHS, THEN COUGHS) DANNY BONADUCE: "I Woke Up In Love This Morning" (STARTS SINGING SONG) SPACE GHOST: Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over! DANNY BONADUCE: Oh. SPACE GHOST: I understand you're in radio now. Plug your station! DANNY BONADUCE: Um, let's see, uh... SPACE GHOST: Wait for it... Go! DANNY BONADUCE: I work at -- (SCREEN ZAPS, REPLACED BY LITTLE GIRL PLAYING A GUITAR & SINGING) SPACE GHOST: Now what? ZORAK: Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote. SPACE GHOST: (QUIETLY) So, we lost Danny. That's okay. (SCREEN ZAPS BACK) DANNY BONADUCE: Hello? SPACE GHOST: Oh. You. DANNY BONADUCE: (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Say, Danny the Danny? DANNY BONADUCE: Yes sir, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: What did you want to become when you were a kid? DANNY BONADUCE: When I was a, a kid, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman... ZORAK: [Lousy screw!] DANNY BONADUCE: ... and, uh, to punch out Donny Osmond, or really any member of the Osmond family. ZORAK: When I was a larvae, I wanted to be the all-powerful ruler of the universe! (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD) MOLTAR: Me too! (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD ALSO) ZORAK: And, to have some gum. SPACE GHOST: Do you know what gum is? ZORAK: Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some! DANNY BONADUCE: Have you ever met Donny Osmond, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: I'd... (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD) I'd rather not talk about it. (CROWN DISAPPEARS) DANNY BONADUCE: Got it! SPACE GHOST: Danny, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Moltar! MOLTAR: What? SPACE GHOST: Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!" DANNY BONADUCE: Ah. SPACE GHOST: Louder, please. DANNY BONADUCE: AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (GLASS BREAKS ALL OVER THE STUDIO, ALARMS GO OFF) SPACE GHOST: Okay, everyone remain calm. ZORAK: Space Ghost! (GETS PULLED OUT OF HIS SEAT, FLIES ACROSS ROOM) Wheeeee!! DANNY BONADUCE: You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.