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(:START FEED) (SETTING: ST. PETER'S SQUARE IN ROME, BEFORE HUGE CROWD, WITH GREGORIAN CHANTING IN BACKGROUND. SPACE GHOST'S VOICE ECHOES) SPACE GHOST: Salve, populi! (SUBTITLE:) Thanks for attending my magic show. Ego sum! (SUBTITLE:) Please exit to the rear of the square. E pluribus unum! (SUBTITLE:) That's it, show's over. (COUGHS) (SUBTITLE:) Cough. ZORAK: Space Ghost! (SUBTITLE:) Spiritus Spatium! (STANDING ON STATUE) Space Ghost! (SUBTITLE:) Spiritus Spatium! SPACE GHOST: Jeepers, my talk show! (SHOT OF EMPTY STUDIO ON GHOST PLANET) (PHANTOM CRUISER FLIES THROUGH SPACE) SPACE GHOST: (INSIDE THE CRUISER WITH JAZZ GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) No use speeding now, just a few miles to the studio... (HUMS TO SELF) MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM, LOOKS AT EMPTY STUDIO IN MONITOR) SPACE GHOST: (HUMS.SIGHS) Fifteen seconds or so... ZORAK: (STILL STANDING ON STATUE IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE) Space Ghost? (SUBTITLE:) Spiritus Spatium?) MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) (SIGHS) Better never than late... (PULLS LEVER TO START OPENING THEME) (OPENING THEME MUSIC AND TITLES, INTERSPERSED WITH PHANTOM CRUISER AND JAZZ GUITAR MUSIC. PHANTOM CRUISER STOPS, SPACE GHOST FLIES OUT) SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS TO SET) Salve, populi. Ego sum (Must stop speaking Latin!) Hi. I'm Space Ghost! On this show we've got a pair of people with yellow hair and a pair of people who wear masks. But first, welcome Zorak and the Original Way Outs. (SHOT OF BANDSTAND, WITH NO ZORAK OR ORIGINAL WAY OUTS) SPACE GHOST: Zorak? Zorak? ZORAK: (IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE. EVIL LAUGH) Ant humans, reap my wrath. When I, Zorak, rule the Earth! SPACE GHOST: I left Zorak in the Square, with thousands of earthlings! Moltar! send the shuttle for Zorak! MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) We don't have a shuttle. SPACE GHOST: Exactly! I'll go myself. MOLTAR: Okay. (SPACE GHOST FLIES OFF THE SET) ZORAK: On the third day, a dark cloud approached from the west... (PHANTOM CRUISER LEAVES GHOST PLANET) ZORAK: A cloud of swarming locusts... (PHANTOM CRUISER FLIES THROUGH SPACE) ZORAK: And a mantis was thus spawned... I, Zorak! MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM; BORED, HE PULLS THE LEVER. SCREEN CHANGES TO VOLCANOES AND MOLTEN LAVA) Mmmm... SPACE GHOST: (IN PHANTOM CRUISER WITH ZORAK) Moltar and I were worried sick! ZORAK: Yeah. I hate this tape. SPACE GHOST: It's got a beat. ZORAK: I had them in my control... SPACE GHOST: Listen, that's a guitar. ZORAK: They were mine... SPACE GHOST: Oh, hush. VOLCANO NARRATOR: (ON CONTROL ROOM MONITOR, IN MICKEY MOUSE VOICE) The hot lava burns a deadly path towards the inhabited city below, the citizens, blissfully unaware of the molten danger, sleep in their hammocks of straw, while the firey river of death flows rampant. Hah. MOLTAR: (SIGHS) Home. SPACE GHOST: (FLIES INTO HIS CHAIR) Okay! If you read romance novels--and who doesn't--the face of my first guest is not unknown to you. Please welcome Cyndi Guyer. (THE SCREEN LOWERS, CYNDI's FACE APPEARS) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Cyndi! CYNDI GUYER: Hello Space Ghost, how are you today? SPACE GHOST: My kindergarten teacher used to greet me that way! CYNDI GUYER: Thank you for having me here. SPACE GHOST: Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. On book covers you're always transforming yourself into various guises. Is that your only super power? CYNDI GUYER: Well, I'm kind of like a, a witch, like a fairy tale witch in a way, I create fantasy, for people. Y'know, I become, I become everybody's dreams. SPACE GHOST: Do continue. CYNDI GUYER: I become the princess, the, the saloon girl, the cave woman... you name it, I've been it. ZORAK: Farmer's daughter? CYNDI GUYER: Yeah. ZORAK: Lunch room lady? CYNDI GUYER: Yes. SPACE GHOST: Clabbered milk? CYNDI GUYER: (NODS HER HEAD) SPACE GHOST: Bowl of cole slaw? CYNDI GUYER: Yes. ZORAK: Giant insect unicycle? CYNDI GUYER: (LOOKING PUZZLED) Hmmm... SPACE GHOST: She doesn't have a wheel! ZORAK: (MAKES GIBBERING SOUNDS) SPACE GHOST: Cyndi, what kind of men do you like? CYNDI GUYER: I don't want them too strong and macho, I like a man that's, you know, a man, but real down to earth and he knows how to be sensitive. SPACE GHOST: (ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS IN BACKGROUND) Zorak, the other night I saw the most beautiful sunset. ZORAK: What? CYNDI GUYER: He's really in touch with his feminine side. He's not afraid to be soft. SPACE GHOST: Why do fresh daffodils always make me cry? (TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK) CYNDI GUYER: What kind of women to you like, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Rose Marie. (ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS) Hey, you're like the female Fabio! CYNDI GUYER: Yes, I've been called that, yes I have... SPACE GHOST: I like to think of myself as a male GI-Joe. ZORAK: I'm a male Barbie. SPACE GHOST: Zorak was just on Earth. ZORAK: And I was ruling it... SPACE GHOST: You were not. Cyndi Guyer, what are ya doin' now? CYNDI GUYER: Possibly negotations, well I am, uh, with Universal to, uh, do my own little series, called "Sea Witch". SPACE GHOST: See what? ZORAK: Sea Witch! SPACE GHOST: See what witch? ZORAK: Sea Witch, see? SPACE GHOST: See which sea? ZORAK: Sea Witch, Sea Witch! SPACE GHOST: What witch where? CYNDI GUYER: Sea witch. SPACE GHOST: See... Oh! Like your little series! CYNDI GUYER: And all my books would come to life, every week. It'd be just, you know, great. SPACE GHOST: I know, great. And, you've got a movie coming up. CYNDI GUYER: Um, I have a movie coming out called "Mortal Obsession", it's... SPACE GHOST: ...with Lorenzo Lamas! I've seen that one! ZORAK: No, Lamas was in "Final Possessions". SPACE GHOST: I thought Bruce Boxleitner was in "Final Possessions", or was that "Lethal Passions"? ZORAK: "Lethal Confessions", Swayze's brother. SPACE GHOST: Oh yeah, with Justin Bateman... I liked that one. ZORAK: Me too. SPACE GHOST: Cyndi... MYSTERY VOICE: Are ya sure? SPACE GHOST: (LONG PAUSE) Any parting wishes for the galaxy? CYNDI GUYER: (SHAKES HEAD) No, that's it. SPACE GHOST: Bye then. (TO CAMERA) We'll be right back after our sponsor shoves some more stuff in front of you. ZORAK: We shall return... with a vengeance! :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED ZORAK: Ready or not, here we come! SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHING) Sorry. (to Moltar) Why didn't you tell me? MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Sorry. SPACE GHOST: Okay! We're ba... :START FEED SPACE GHOST: (TAPPING CARDS) Moltar, what are you doing? MOLTAR: Starting over. SPACE GHOST: Just leave it on, okay pal? MOLTAR: Okay. SPACE GHOST: My next guests use the phone all the time. Welcome The Jerky Boys! (SCREEN LOWERS WITH JERKY BOYS ON IT) JERKY BOY 1: Could we shake his hand? SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Jerky Boys! JERKY BOY 2: Hey, how are ya? JERKY BOY 1: How are you doing? SPACE GHOST: Those masks are frightening. JERKY BOY 2: Well, not more frightening than our face. SPACE GHOST: Are your faces wrinkly like smoked meat? JERKY BOY 1: Why don't you mind your questions? SPACE GHOST: Why don't you answer my questions? JERKY BOY 2: Well, now, you see, now we're off to a bad start, there. SPACE GHOST: Tell us all about your troubled childhood. JERKY BOY 1: What, uh, what kind of thing is that to ask adults? SPACE GHOST: Are you in trouble with the law? JERKY BOY 1: This guy needs a good punch in the mouth, if you ask me. SPACE GHOST: Punch, Now that's a silly word. "Punch." You know, if you say that enough times it loses all its meaning. Punch... punch... punch... ZORAK: Punch? SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. (THEY CONTINUE SAYING "PUNCH") JERKY BOY 2: Boy, this, you know, this guy's bein' real flaky. JERKY BOY 1: You're being silly now. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. SPACE GHOST: Punch. ZORAK: Punch. (THEY CONTINUE SAYING "PUNCH) JERKY BOY 1: Space Ghost I oughtta, I oughtta smack your teeth out over there. SPACE GHOST: Pu...(PAUSES. STARES) Yeah right...(ZORAK KEEPS SAYING "PUNCH' IN BACKGROUND) Gentlemen, if I kissed you would you understand that I was simply being European? JERKY BOY 1: You come near me I'll take a big eraser out, you'll be history. ZORAK: Punch... punch... MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Ponch? ZORAK: No! Punch! MOLTAR: Ohhhhh... "CHiPs"! (PULLS LEVER, "CHiPs" THEME COMES ON) ZORAK: No, Punch! MOLTAR: Oh. Yes, of course. Sorry about that. (SPACE GHOST STARES AT THE JERKY BOYS) JERKY BOY 1: What you lookin' at, man? SPACE GHOST: (LOOKING DOWN) This wasn't my best interview, was it? JERKY BOY 1: Naw, Space Ghost you're great. I used to watch you as a kid. I'm glad you're still fighting crime. SPACE GHOST: Thanks, Johnny. JERKY BOY 2: When is this gonna air? SPACE GHOST: I don't know. Moltar! When does this air? MOLTAR: Uh, well, let's see... First, we'll have to pull out all the dirty words you used... SPACE GHOST: Uh huh. MOLTAR: Then, we'll have to scramble it around and try to make this seem funny... That'll take about three weeks' worth of work, Earth time... SPACE GHOST: Mmm hmm. MOLTAR: Then the writers have to basically write you out of the script, and we... SPACE GHOST: (COUGHS) There you have it! JERKY BOY 1: All right, Space Ghost! JERKY BOY 2: Hey, you fruit loop! SPACE GHOST: That's it. Get out. MOLTAR: Hey, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: What? MOLTAR: Pretty good ad lib, huh? SPACE GHOST: Yeah, right. (TO CAMERA) You've seen our next guest on "The Price is Right". Please welcome Dian Parkinson. (MONITOR LOWERS WITH DIAN ON IT) SPACE GHOST: Hi Dian, are you comfy? DIAN PARKINSON: Are we on, or... SPACE GHOST: Yes. DIAN PARKINSON: Are you serious? Are we doing this scene now, and you didn't even count it down? SPACE GHOST: Yes! DIAN PARKINSON: My little Space Ghost! How come you're doing this to me? (A TINY SPACE GHOST IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR) ZORAK: So, what about the Bob Barker affair? SPACE GHOST: The fair? I love fairs... (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS) Lights, pony rides, cotton candy, Lobster Boy. Tell me about the fair! DIAN PARKINSON: (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: Avoiding the subject? DIAN PARKINSON: Yes. SPACE GHOST: Diane, I have ways of making you talk about the fair. DIAN PARKINSON: Well, I don't know... SPACE GHOST: I'd say "Dian, tell me about the fair," and you'd answer. That's talking about it. DIAN PARKINSON: (LAUGHS) ZORAK: Who is this woman? SPACE GHOST: I think it's Dian Parkinson. DIAN PARKINSON: And what's his name? SPACE GHOST: That's Zorak, does he scare you? DIAN PARKINSON: No, it's just a grasshopper. ZORAK: I'm a mantis. SPACE GHOST: You're a locust. ZORAK: Look me up, I'm a mantis. Lokar is the locust. SPACE GHOST: (FLIPPING THROUGH THE SCRIPT) Say... you are a mantis! I've been calling you a locust all this time! ZORAK: You were? SPACE GHOST: Yes! Don't you pay attention? ZORAK: No. SPACE GHOST: Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Mantis! You're so important over there with that keyboard and everything and you don't have to pay attention, because the Mr. Mantis is way too important to be the sidekick, isn't that right Mr. Mantis!? ZORAK: What? DIAN PARKINSON: (LAUGHS) |