Episode 47 - "Sphinx" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Moltar in the control room, with Mike Judge on the monitor) MOLTAR: Okay, recording, and... now! MIKE JUDGE: (in Butthead voice) Space Ghost isn't home right now, (laughs). (changes to Beavis voice) (laughs) Is there something I can help you with? (laughs some more) (normal voice) Okay, there you go. MOLTAR: It's not for Space Ghost, it's for me. MIKE JUDGE: Did you want, I thought you... MOLTAR: No, I want one for me. MIKE JUDGE: (in Beavis voice) Voltar isn't home right now. Leave a message. Beep! MOLTAR: No. MIKE JUDGE: Okay. MOLTAR: My name's Moltar. MIKE JUDGE: (winces) Moltar. MOLTAR: Yeah, and, and say some stuff about fire this time. MIKE JUDGE: (in Beavis voice) Moltar isn't home right now, fire, fire, leave a message. MOLTAR: Wait, wait, I, I wanted one with Butthead. MIKE JUDGE: (sighs) Another one? MOLTAR: Yeah. ZORAK: Hey, do one for me! MIKE JUDGE: Okay, who's it for? ZORAK: (pokes his head into control room) Zorak! MOLTAR: Do him and me! ZORAK: Me and him. MOLTAR: And make it funny this time. MIKE JUDGE: (in Beavis voice) Zorak isn't here, Moltar isn't here, leave a message. (does the finger & lips thing) MOLTAR: No, make it funny! MIKE JUDGE: (in Hank Hill voice) Zo-, Zorak and Noltar... MOLTAR: Moltar. MIKE JUDGE: (disgusted) Ah! Forget it. MOLTAR: No, no, no, no, no! MIKE JUDGE: Get what's-his-name to do a message for ya. (starts to walk off) MOLTAR: Sit down, you gore belly rump dead foot licker! We're not done yet! (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, all. Space Ghost is my name, and animated comedy-style interview programs based in outer space are my game. Joining me tonight are craven fat kidneyed flirt gill Harland Williams, and unmuscled sheep biting mold warp Mike Judge. ZORAK: Have you seen my tail? SPACE GHOST: Your what? ZORAK: My tail. Some joker cut it off! SPACE GHOST: You don't have a tail! ZORAK: I know, because some joker cut it off! SPACE GHOST: Calm down, Zorak. ZORAK: You calm down! Did you eat it? SPACE GHOST: Why would I eat your stupid tail, I didn't even know ya had one! ZORAK: Moltar? MOLTAR: I didn't eat it. I don't even like tail. ZORAK: Oh, wait, here it is. (pause) It's not a tail after all... SPACE GHOST: Play me to the desk. ZORAK: It's a wacky fun slippery slide! (MoA music plays Space Ghost to the desk. Space Ghost invisos to his desk; Moltar and Zorak whoop it up in the background) MOLTAR: Whoa, whoa! ZORAK: Wooo hoo hoo! MOLTAR: Hey, check this out! (slides by) SPACE GHOST: All right, put the wacky fun slippery slide away. ZORAK: Whee-eeeeee! (slides by) MOLTAR: (crash!) My knee! SPACE GHOST: Please welcome my first guest, citizen Harland Williams HARLAND WILLIAMS: (monitor lowers from ceiling) (yodels) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Harland! HARLAND WILLIAMS: Hello there... Billy. SPACE GHOST: My name is not... MOLTAR: Wheeeeeeeee! (slides by) SPACE GHOST: ... Billy. HARLAND WILLIAMS: Oh. (winks) SPACE GHOST: It's Space Ghost. HARLAND WILLIAMS: 'kay, Billy. Gotcha. (winks again) SPACE GHOST: Hey, hey, don't call me Billy.I do not care for the name Billy. HARLAND WILLIAMS: Space Ghost, you... you're a little, uh, rambunctious today. SPACE GHOST: How would you like it if I pulled down your pants and spanked your bare bottom right here in front of Zorak, Moltar and everybody! HARLAND WILLIAMS: I'll say one word about y- that: naughty. SPACE GHOST: Naughty? HARLAND WILLIAMS: Naughty. (points) Naughty Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: What do you mean? HARLAND WILLIAMS: There's naughty stuff goin' on in your head, you probably have, like, daydreams about pomegranates, and ... SPACE GHOST: (hears "pomegranates" with echo effect) HARLAND WILLIAMS: Sea fleece. SPACE GHOST: (hears "sea fleece" with same echo effect) HARLAND WILLIAMS: Timber. SPACE GHOST: (hears "chocolate chip cookie dough" with same echo effect) HARLAND WILLIAMS: You like wood, don't you? SPACE GHOST: Well, sure I do. Who doesn't like wood? Cedar, mahogany, rustic pine. Yes, wood is good food. (smile sparkles) HARLAND WILLIAMS: Naughty-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y (image & sound get stuck in a loop; continues in the background) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) (pause) What's the matter? ZORAK: That's some wacky stuff. SPACE GHOST: Moltar! MOLTAR: Alright. Uhhhh... hang on. (Harland keeps looping) Uh, is this on the same tape, or... SPACE GHOST: Stop! (blasts Harland with his destructo ray) HARLAND WILLIAMS: (stops looping) God bless you, O black capped whitey legs. D'you have varicose veins? SPACE GHOST: No, I don't. HARLAND WILLIAMS: Y'got big puffy veins, (makes pulsing sounds and motions with his hands) pulsing away like organ grinder monkeys on cheese twists. ZORAK: Yeah, he's got legs like his greasy grannie! (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: That extra grease tacked two years onto her life, thank you very much. HARLAND WILLIAMS: You ever, uh, rubbed a bar of soap on your grandmother's forehead? SPACE GHOST: I... don't think I'll have occasion to, being that she's no longer with us. ZORAK: Why, what would happen? HARLAND WILLIAMS: Well, you'd have yourself one heck of a sparkling clean grand-mam�. SPACE GHOST: Maybe you didn't hear me. My grandmother bought a farm! ZORAK: Really? MOLTAR: Cattle or crops? SPACE GHOST: She's dead, all right?! I don't want to talk about it! ZORAK: Oops. Back to the veins. HARLAND WILLIAMS: Tell me about your veins. See, I'm turnin' the questioning around, now tell us about your big, greasy space veins... white legs! SPACE GHOST: Harland Williams, I will not hold court to your mischief! MOLTAR: Space Ghost! The completion backward principle! SPACE GHOST: Uh, completion backwards principle? HARLAND WILLIAMS: Tell us about the veins! (slurps) MOLTAR: Remember? Zorak creates a diversion, while you circumnavigate Ghost Planet at the speed of light... HARLAND WILLIAMS: That's right, Space Ghost. ZORAK: Causing the planet to reverse its rotation. MOLTAR: Which in turn opens a multidimensional chasm. (monitor shows Space Ghost with three screens completely full of text flashing over him, reading, in part:) Keith Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temp Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temporary Items:W Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temporary Items:W Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temporary Items:W (next screen:) Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temporary Items:W Crofford-Tad Ghostal:Temporary Items:W CHANGE OR DELETE THE FOLLOWI >OTHER REASONS FOR HIS ABSENC >(available in stores September 2 - EX (next screen:) Unknown LDI TBS Tur >WITS-TECHWOOD Turner Broad >Entertainment Sandi Reid >Hanna-Barbera SPACE GHOST: Thusly causing time to go backwards so that I can redo and/or cancel the interview before the secret of my hideous and spidery varicose veins becomes common knowledge to the general public! HARLAND WILLIAMS: You see now, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Yes! Why didn't I think of it before? MOLTAR: You did! You called it the completion backwards principle! HARLAND WILLIAMS: All hail Space Ghost! And his giant pulsing veiny legs! SPACE GHOST: Zorak! Create a diversion! ZORAK: Hey, everybody! Look at me! Do doodley do do, do do da do do... SPACE GHOST: (flies off) HARLAND WILLIAMS: Wh-, where is he? ZORAK: (laughs) Ever see Superman 1? HARLAND WILLIAMS: Yes. ZORAK: He'll be back in a sec. HARLAND WILLIAMS: (laughs) ZORAK: (laughs) MOLTAR: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (flies back to desk) ZORAK: He's back! SPACE GHOST: (out of breath) Greetings! (pants) I (pants) am (pants) Space Ghost. HARLAND WILLIAMS: What, you wake up with a Winnie the Pooh video in your shorts? MOLTAR: Idiot! You went the wrong direction! (screen shows text:) VELOCITY[?]=SPACE(?)/DONUTS SPACE GHOST: Are you sure? MOLTAR: We've been on for three hours now! ZORAK: Yeah! I want time and a half! SPACE GHOST: Ohhhhh... (falls down onto floor, everybody laughs) I think I pulled too many G's. HARLAND WILLIAMS: That a boy, Jerry. MOLTAR: Jerry! (laughs) HARLAND WILLIAMS: (waves) INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION MIKE JUDGE: (on Moltar's monitor, in Hank Hill voice) Oh, I tell ya what, that Space Ghost has a nice little patootie on him, don't he? (monitor shows text:) BED[obscured by M's hand]BROOMSTICKS MOLTAR: No!! (throws lever, sends Mike to studio monitor) You make me sick! (Monitor screen flips through several test patterns, a picture of Adrienne Barbeau from "Jacksonville", and finally shows Mike Judge) MIKE JUDGE: (in Butthead voice) That was cool! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Identify yourself to the universe. MIKE JUDGE: I am Mike Judge. I am the creator of B- SPACE GHOST: I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I know what you do. MIKE JUDGE: Oh. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Maybe I can help you with your little cartoon deal. MIKE JUDGE: Uh, yeah, I, I would like to know what I can do to make what I do funnier. SPACE GHOST: You should make your show like "Die Hard". Only put it on a bus! And then you should make the guys talk funny and hit each other in the head. And have explosions! MIKE JUDGE: I, I'm gonna write that down. SPACE GHOST: And you should give all the guys in the thing a destructo ray and a freeze ray. And you should make them talk funny and hit each other. ZORAK: (in background) In the head. SPACE GHOST: Yeah! In the head! MIKE JUDGE: Yeah, yeah, destructo ray, freeze ray, that could probably, like, that could put us over the top. SPACE GHOST: Then I would come in and save the day! (hums superhero-type theme music) MIKE JUDGE: Well, um, you know how to get a hold of me. SPACE GHOST: Oh, wait, I just remembered! Draw everyone with large muscular lantern-like jaws. Like mine! (jaw sparkles) MIKE JUDGE: Think if I'd drawn Butthead and Beavis with stronger jaws, and, uh... SPACE GHOST: White booties! MIKE JUDGE: Yeah, white boots, they, they might be funnier and they might score. SPACE GHOST: Well, you know what they say, Mike, dames are like mustard. They taste great on a sandwich. But when you're not eating a sandwich, they just sit there in your refrigerator... on a shelf... in a jar... labeled... mustard. MIKE JUDGE: Oh yeah. SPACE GHOST: Okay then. Citizen Mike, give me an infectious laugh that millions will aspire to imitate. MIKE JUDGE: Well, you know, I actually found a tape of myself trying out different laughs. There was like (does Butthead laugh) and there was like (does monkey-like laugh) and, uh, you know, then, of course (does Beavis laugh). And, uh, if you wanted to have the (does monkey-like laugh) you could probably have that one. SPACE GHOST: (Does monkey-like laugh) Will this (does monkey-like laugh) give me the approval of the much sought after 18 to 34 year old demographic? MIKE JUDGE: No, not really. (laughs) But it's free, though. SPACE GHOST: Then I'll take it! Citizen Mike, what are your favorite programs? MIKE JUDGE: I really like this, I like Space Ghost, man. SPACE GHOST: Thank you! MIKE JUDGE: I like, uh, Space Ghost... And, uh... SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost? MIKE JUDGE: Uh, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Thank you once again! How can I repay you for your undying devotion? MIKE JUDGE: You could go into the cartoon "Rug Rats", and just sorta clean house. SPACE GHOST: Yyyou want me to whack the Rug Rats? MIKE JUDGE: I'll give you a list of some people in the industry that need to be, uh, that need to have this done to 'em. (Blasts Zorak with his own destructo ray) ZORAK: Aaaaaa!!! MIKE JUDGE: Sorry. ZORAK: Don't be. SPACE GHOST: That was quite a display of superior firepower. MIKE JUDGE: Can you put a sound effect into this... (blasts Zorak again) ZORAK: Noooo!!! MIKE JUDGE: ... to make us equal? SPACE GHOST: Sure thing... ZORAK: Wait a minute... SPACE GHOST: Moltar? MOLTAR: (throws lever) MIKE JUDGE: (in superhero/Hank Hill voice) What special powers do you have to help fight the insanity? (blasts Zorak again) ZORAK: No, wait... Aaaaaaa! SPACE GHOST: No, listen: What special powers do you have to help stop the insanity? (blasts Zorak) ZORAK: Nooooooo!! MIKE JUDGE: You're right, let me try that again. ZORAK: Hold it, gimme just a sec. MIKE JUDGE: (Blasts Zorak again) What special powers do you have to help stop the insanity? ZORAK: All right, stop it!!! It hurts, okay?! SPACE GHOST: Hmmm, I dunno. MIKE JUDGE: Well, let's hear you do Butthead. SPACE GHOST: (completely straight voice) Ha ha ha, ha, ha ha. My name is Butthead, my head is a giant human butt. Ha, ha ha. MIKE JUDGE: And how about Beavis? SPACE GHOST: (also in straight voice) Shut up, Butt land, my name is Beavis. How was that? ZORAK: (in background) Fab-oh! MIKE JUDGE: Yyyeah, yeah, that was... well, that was great. SPACE GHOST: Oh, I'm good, baby. MIKE JUDGE: I'd like to hear Zorak do Beavis. ZORAK: I'd like to hear Mike Judge shut up! MIKE JUDGE: (looks shocked) SPACE GHOST: Ooooh, did you hear that, Mike. MIKE JUDGE: Well, tell him I'd like to tie the long hair on his head to the short hair on his nose and kick him down the street, okay? ZORAK: Bring it on, you son of a carpenter. SPACE GHOST: Knock it off, guys. Come on. MIKE JUDGE: (In Skeletor, from He-Man, voice) The power scepter is mine now, Beast Man! ZORAK: That's my tail! MIKE JUDGE: You betcha. ZORAK: Gimme back my tail! MOLTAR: Wheeeeee! (slides by) MIKE JUDGE: (in Beavis' Cornholio voice) Are you threatening me? ZORAK: You've got my tail! SPACE GHOST: All right, everybody. Just stop! MIKE JUDGE: (stares back) ZORAK: (stares back) MOLTAR: (slides by) Wo wo wo wo... SPACE GHOST: Thanks for stopping by, Mike. MIKE JUDGE: (in Hank Hill voice) Boy, I tell ya what, it don't get any better'n this. SPACE GHOST: Nope! It sure doesn't. MIKE JUDGE: (in Beavis voice) (laughs) Boy! (laughs) It doesn't get any better than this! (laughs) Yeah! SPACE GHOST: You hit the nose on the head, compadre! It just doesn't get any better than this! MIKE JUDGE: (in Butthead voice) Uh, it doesn't get any better than this? (laughs) SPACE GHOST: No, it doesn't. And there you have it, folks. MIKE JUDGE: (in Buzzcut voice) Boy, it doesn't get any better than this! SPACE GHOST: Mike... MIKE JUDGE: (in Mr. Van Driesen voice) You know, it really doesn't get any better than this, mm-kay? SPACE GHOST: Mmm-kay! Thanks for being on the... MIKE JUDGE: (in Principal McVickers voice) (wheezes) It doesn't get any better than this. (wheezes) SPACE GHOST: Mike... Mike!! MIKE JUDGE: (in Butthead voice) Uh... (in normal voice) What's that? SPACE GHOST: I have to go home now. (Credits roll) MIKE JUDGE: Here's Tom Anderson: "Boy, I tell ya what." Here's Hank Hill: "Boy, I tell ya what." It's a big difference. |