Episode 55 - "Telethon" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION
SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Space Ghost, with an important announcment to make. (clears his throat; talks quietly) We're broke. (violin music begins) That's right, the Space Ghost Coast to Coast show is out of cash. So tonight our regular show has been preimmunized for a special Space Ghost telethon. If you love me, or have ever loved me, or ever plan to love me in the future, I urge you tonight, to please stay tuned, pledge generously, to help keep the Ghost alive! (In the commissary) ZORAK: So, whattya gonna do if the show gets canned? MOLTAR: Oh, I got a few irons in the fire. ZORAK: Like what? MOLTAR: They're remaking "MacGyver", only this time... he's a woman! ZORAK: What're you talking about? He was always a woman! MOLTAR: Oh. Uh, I'm gonna get some coffee. ZORAK: You don't have any leads, do ya? MOLTAR: Leave me alone! ZORAK: You liar! You made that up! MOLTAR: Leave me alone! (Opening theme & titles) (Opening graphic sequence shifts to studio monitor as it is displayed) SPACE GHOST: You see, folks, hi-tech computer animation like this costs money. How much? I don't know, but trust me, it's one heck of a lot. And we're wiped out cleaner than a fat man's eatin' hand. (smile sparkles) So I turn to you, the viewers, in my quarter-hour of need. I know you folks will call the numbers flashing on the screen below, and pledge your undying support.
SPACE GHOST: Because you have a jug o' love for me, and you're thirsty for what I got! (makes kisses to camera)
ZORAK: (wide-eyed) This is shameful, even to me! MOLTAR: It's just so.. wrong. LOKAR: Ahem. A-hem!
SPACE GHOST: Why, look, everybody! The Council of Doom is here! They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls. LOKAR: Yes! And every twenty dollar pledge r-r-receives a kissy-kiss, from your truly! TANSUT: Really?
LOKAR: Yes, come over here, Tanny! Come a little closer, I want to smell what you've been eating all day! TANSUT: (whimpers) LOKAR: Liverwurst! Divine! (sniff sniff) Oh, and thick sliced cross cut of bologna! How fragrant!
TANSUT: Oh, you... ZORAK: I'd pay twenty bucks to hear Lokar shut up! LOKAR: And you need to get over yourself, lover! SPACE GHOST: (pause) Our goal tonight is a mere seventeen and a half million dollars!
LOKAR: Tell me, Space Ghost, you oafish lunkheaded clodpate, you tr-r-ruly believe that you can r-r-raise that much wampum in such a paltry amount of time? SPACE GHOST: Yes indeedy! I'm putting my money where my mouth is!
SPACE GHOST: I'm going to start us off by donating the proceeds from the sale of three pints of my (echo effect) Super Space Blood! (end echo) Moltar, let's go to the big board. MOLTAR: (throws lever) (numbers spin on the "DON'T GIVE UP the GHOST" tote board, with the final total showing:) $36.10 SPACE GHOST: (subdued) Woo whee.
SPACE GHOST: (taps his cards) And I'm sure we'll be adding it up with our first performer. So make that pledge now, folks, while we bring on funny man Pete Michael! (band music intro) BLACK WIDOW: Oooooh! Aaaaah!
PETE MICHEAL: Thank you! Ghost Planet, how are ya, Space Ghost, very good to see you. It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen, you too, Zorak. ZORAK: Don't you even look at me! PETE MICHEAL: But, uh, Ghost Planet, boy, this is somethin'. I can't believe I got a flight up here! (rim shot) SPACE GHOST: (laughs)
PETE MICHEAL: But, it's great to be anywhere, I tell ya, the club I was workin' at last week? Big Jehovah Witness convention at the hotel I was stayin' at. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) PETE MICHEAL: And you know what I did? I went out after my show... What did I... Ah... sorry. (walks off stage)
SPACE GHOST: Well, now, wasn't that... Pete Michael, every one. BRAK: Space Ghost! Somebody just called, and they wanna donate a billion dollars! SPACE GHOST: What's their name?! BRAK: Seymore Hiney. SPACE GHOST: Thank you so much, Seymore. Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.
ZORAK: You idiot! MOLTAR: It was a prank call! SPACE GHOST: Uh... Oh. I am now rescinding my thank-you. Council, accept no more calls from the Hiney family. Moltar, next performer! Toot sweety!
(Moltar's monitor says:) THIS IS WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAYS, (Moltar throws lever, a Dutch test pattern appears for a split second before Russ is sent to studio monitor) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, citizen Next Performer. RUSS POWELL: Greetings. ZORAK: Arrr, 'tis a scurvy pirate! BLACK WIDOW: A-a-ah! O-o-o-o-o! BRAK: He's not a pirate, stupid! RUSS POWELL: Actually, I'm dressed out of the Renaissance period...
BRAK: A humanistic revival of art, literature, and learning in Europe which occurred during the 14th through 16th centuries. Tell me something I don't know! RUSS POWELL: Can I show you some juggling while I'm here? BRAK: Juggling! Oh boy! Do it! Do some juggling!
RUSS POWELL: (juggles three colored balls, accompanied by cheesy organ music) SPACE GHOST: Look, he's honestly juggling! Come on, folks, isn't this worth at least a few million? TANSUT: Ooh, watch him juggle! (Big board total drops from $36.10 to $31.10) SPACE GHOST: Hey, wait a second, the total just went down five dollars!
MOLTAR: Uh, I know, I.. just rented "Barb Wire". I hear it's awesome. (Moltar's monitor says:) READ MOLTAR'S MONITOR (followed by:) WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR DOESN'T BRAK: Oh, I wanna see that! MOLTAR: It's rated "R", Brak! BRAK: Aw, poop. (Brak's image on monitor is replaced by Birdman) MOLTAR: Oh! BIRDMAN: Greetings, citizens! (Moltar's monitor says:) ONE LOUDER ALWAYS 11 BLACK WIDOW: O-o-o-o-o! ZORAK: Obscene bird call!
BIRDMAN: Are you getting enough oxygen? SPACE GHOST: Look, Birdman, I'm in the middle of my telethon right now. BIRDMAN: You know, Tad, don't you think it's ironic that when I ask for money it's called begging, but when you drop to your knees it's called a telethon. (following text displayed mirrored:)
SPACE GHOST: Yeah, how about that? Ain't that somethin'? BIRDMAN: I got somethin' I can do for your telethon. How about I decorate your back window with a little of my special guano? SPACE GHOST: How about if I throw some corn on the floor and you peck it up with your mouth!
BRAK: That's okay, Birdman, I'll do it, I like corn! BIRDMAN: (shakes his head) I'm outta here. (image fades from monitor) SPACE GHOST: Um, uh, let's keep things moving. Uh, Moltar, how about another guest? MOLTAR: (Moltar's monitor says:) MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAY SIMONS SAYS (Monitor then shows a test pattern from Potsdam, followed by Coco the Electronic Monkey Wizard) COCO: Moltar! (Moltar throws the lever, which sends Coco away and sends Bob and Robbie to studio monitor) SPACE GHOST: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for... BLACK WIDOW: O-o-o-o-o!
SPACE GHOST: Uh, Bob and Robby! VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: Hey, how ya doin'? SPACE GHOST: Um, your little friend just, um, talked. VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: (to Bob) Little friend, who's he talkin' to? ZORAK: It's a puppet! SPACE GHOST: A puppet! Did you say a puppet? BOB ABDOU: Yes, puppet.
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: Puppet. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. SPACE GHOST: Aaaa! The puppet talks! Zorak! The puppet talks! VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Bob and Robby from the monitor; Russ reappears, holding three knives) BLACK WIDOW: O-o-o-o-o! RUSS POWELL: One, two, three, here we go. (starts juggling the knives) BLACK WIDOW: (screams)
SPACE GHOST: Bless you, Santa, it's the Juggler! BLACK WIDOW: (continues screaming) LOKAR: Oh, Black Widow, please continue that shrieking, because it can't possibly be more annoying! RUSS POWELL: (still juggling knives) Now, I have a confession to make here, I have never really figured out a way to stop this. So, uh, any ideas?
MOLTAR: Uh, let it fall on your head. ZORAK: Yeah, do that. MOLTAR: Mmm, that might be dangerous. (Moltar's monitor says:) IS THIS WHAT MOLTAR'S MONITOR SAYS
ZORAK: Hey, throw 'em up really high, and catch 'em in your mouth. MOLTAR: But be careful. RUSS POWELL: (still juggling knives) There we go. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Russ on monitor) RUSS POWELL: Oh! (drops the knives) I missed that. SPACE GHOST: Council of Doom! Any calls? COUNCIL OF DOOM: No!
SPACE GHOST: Well, then, I guess we can take a break for some commercial messages. ZORAK: Telethons don't have commericals! SPACE GHOST: And bugs don't talk, Zorak, (switches to Zorak voice) so welcome to the asylum! ZORAK: (stares back wide-eyed) INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION
SPACE GHOST: And we're back. Moltar, how are the phones? MOLTAR: (whispering) Silent, like crabs. ZORAK: Yes, like crabs. SPACE GHOST: (This is worse than the time you had to battle the Bedouin battleships bare-bottom to the thumbtack factory.)
SPACE GHOST: (What can I do to save this turkey?) Council of Doom? (aims power bands) Give me your money! LOKAR: No! I shan't give you a sheckel. BLACK WIDOW: O-o-o-oh no! BRAK: Okay, here's my allowance. METALLUS: (drones and slams fist)
TANSUT: You still owe me money! LOKAR: (mocking) You still owe me money! You still owe me money! Ah, there it is again, the acrid putrocity of Tansut's chronic halitosis! TANSUT: (whimpers) LOKAR: Shut that stench-hole or I shall gag! SPACE GHOST: (None of this is real.)
PETE MICHEAL: (back on stage) Ghost Planet, how are ya? Space Ghost, very good to see you. (band music plays) SPACE GHOST: Pete Michael, everybody. PETE MICHEAL: Ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be here, good to see ya. You too, Zorak. ZORAK: Feh. PETE MICHEAL: But, man, Ghost Planet, finally, finally get to be on Ghost Planet.
SPACE GHOST: Phones are open, folks. PETE MICHEAL: I can't believe I got a flight up here. (rim show, by Christy) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) PETE MICHEAL: But, uh, gol, I keep forgetting about that Jehovah Witness thing.
ZORAK: Nice try, freak. PETE MICHEAL: I'm sorry, I was off my mark anyway. (walks off stage, in front of Space Ghost's desk) (Bob reappears on studio monitor, with an Elvis dummy) VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY: (sings) Goodnight, oh-h-h-h! SPACE GHOST: Phones are open, folks.
MOLTAR: (looking at weather map on control room monitor) You see, these drops are falling in between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big "H", 'cause that's where heaven is. RUSS POWELL: Well, we can do "Viva Las Vegas", but we, uh, I have it on cassette. (Shot of the Big Board, total is still at $31.10)
SPACE GHOST: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to blast you, because we're not getting any calls, and you're the nearest scapegoat. RUSS POWELL: Oh, okay. SPACE GHOST: (blasts them off the monitor) (subdued) Well, what else can I say, except... (looks at his blue card) Ladies and gentlemen... (band music plays)
ZORAK: Oh, no! SPACE GHOST: Pete Michael. PETE MICHEAL: (walking onto stage) Thank you. BRAK: Oh, you're welcome! PETE MICHEAL: Thank you, Ghost Planet, it's great to see everyone. Even you, Zorak.
ZORAK: Shine on, you crazy diamond. (rim shot) PETE MICHEAL: (looks around) SPACE GHOST: Phones are open, folks. PETE MICHEAL: Guys, we cannot pick up women in fast food restaurants. There is only one person who can pick up a girl at the salad bar at Burger King. That person, of course, is... (turns around, puts on wig)
BRAK: Pete Michael! Pete Michael? You, Pete Michael! Pete Michael! PETE MICHEAL: (turns around, wearing Kramer wig) Kramer, from "Seinfeld". SPACE GHOST: Kramer!? BRAK: Oh boy, an impression! TANSUT: You see, he's gonna act like Kramer from "Seinfeld", but he's really not.
BRAK: Aw, what a gyp. PETE MICHEAL: (doing Kramer gestures and voice) Cucumbers. Roughage. Cool! So, can I buy you a pie? Aaaaa!
SPACE GHOST: (In my head, where it's safe a warm, I'm making lots of money.) PETE MICHEAL: ... Oh, yes. (phone rings in background) (normal voice) I've never done anything where absolutely nobody laughs. MOLTAR: Welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast.
SPACE GHOST: Oh, they're laughin' alright. BRAK: Space Ghost! There's a call! SPACE GHOST: Is it one of those Hineys? BRAK: Um... yes.
SPACE GHOST: Argh! That's it! (pounds desk) I've had it with you people! I do this Hindenburg of a talk show each week, and where does it get me? Humiliation City, population one. Listen up, TV land: if you don't give me all your money, I'm.. gonna.. uh, shoot Brak!
BRAK: I didn't do anything bad! (sobbing) I don't wanna be shot! SPACE GHOST: What am I doing? Brak, I, I am sorry. BRAK: It's okay, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: It is? Well then... (blasts Brak)
BRAK: Aaaaa! (blam!) Yeow, that smarts. SPACE GHOST: There! See? See what you people made me do? (dramatic drum roll, Big Board counts down) ALL: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
BLACK WIDOW: O-o-o-o-o! ZORAK: Happy new year! SPACE GHOST: Whoa, mama! Come on, come on, come on, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! Yes! (digits start to reveal themselves, total is larger than $31.10) Yes! (pounds his desk) $-814,375.76 SPACE GHOST: Wh- wha, whu, but th-th-th-that's impossible, Moltar, because we...
MOLTAR: Well, the big board cost fifteen thou, and there's the added phone lines, teamsters, catering from Taco King. (Moltar's monitor says: SAYS WHO?, credits roll) The blue screen for the comedian, that cost ten grand, plus he took a cab. The weather graphics, "Barb Wire" rental, the Council's fees, and, oh yeah, the eighty thousand dollar Ming dynasty vase that Brak is about to knock over. BRAK: Dig this, Ming, I'm sick of your dynasty! (sound of vase breaking) (screen goes black) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, what's going on? MOLTAR: Um, they cut the power. (Credits roll) TANSUT: (whispers) Hey! Let's all take off our masks! (laughs) (Cash register sound) |